Sometimes You Need to Get Lost

Sometimes You Need to Get Lost

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You can't be lost if you don't care where you are. 

 (I physically got lost last weekend, but I found this view!)

A while back, I had someone tell me, "You can't be lost if you don't care where you are." Though I'm not 'lost' in life, I have a job I love, friends that mean everything to me and a wonderful family I couldn't live without, I feel like this quote sums up how I feel right now in life. 

I wasn't always going the right direction. Thinking about the last year of my life I realize that being lost can take you right where you need to be. A year ago I was a complete mess. I had been through a break-up that had broken me, I had completely left a job I loved for a job that felt soulless and I felt 'stuck' with not knowing which direction to go in life. 

I was lost in every sense of the word.

Of course, during everything that was going on, I didn't know that it all had a bigger purpose. Dating seemed irrelevant because I knew good and well that I couldn't commit to anything. I couldn't even commit to weekend plans until Thursday nights. In nine months I had dated four guys that anytime it got close to actually liking someone, I backed off and headed in the other direction.

I realized that while I was making life altering decisions I might as well quit my soulless job to figure out just what and where I needed to do and be. Calling my mom on a Monday afternoon saying, "I'm about to quit my job," and having her respond, "I'll see you tonight so you can tell your daddy," can make one feel about five years old again.

For three months I baked. I cooked. I sat outside and thought about everything. I went out with friends. I hung out with family. I considered every job profession under the sun. (I also realized that there are things I will never be able to do: meat butcher, cable repair man, and anything to do with taking care of sick people.) I tried to figure out where I was supposed to be in life and who I was supposed to be. 

Two years in Atlanta and in an up-and-down relationship had me questioning everything I thought was right, true and belief of who I was as  person. I wasn't sure who I was I was meant to be, or who I wanted to become.

The one thing that I never did was cry over about the all the mistakes I had made, regrets I was feeling or fears for the future. Actually, it took me a year to cry. I tried to tear up about life, but it wouldn't work. I whined or whimpered but it wasn't successful.

Looking back now I believe being lost is where I needed to be last year. 

Of course, everything worked out in the end like everyone says it will while you're in the middle of hell. I got the job I had always wanted, a great city and direction in life. I may not know exactly what I want out of everything in life, at least I'm learning what I don't want. And you know what happened when it all started to fall in place? I cried. I cried every day for a week. I didn't cry for a year and all of a sudden the water works had begun and I couldn't stop. (Sorry to Shannon who sat with me for four nights outside drinking wine while I cried and she nodded her head. That's what good cousins are for.)

Though there are things in life that I am still in 'lost' mode, that's okay because it doesn't matter. 

I'm happy to be lost if this is where I get to be in life right now. 
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